• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar

The Thoughtful Parent

A blog that makes child development approachable.

  • About Me
  • Social-Emotional Development
    • 7 Ways to Teach Your Child About Kindness
    • 4 Powerful Social-Emotional Lessons Kids are Learning During the Pandemic
  • Child Development Classics
    • A Parent’s Guide to Understanding the 4 Attachment Styles
    • Child Psychology Classics: The Mirror Test
  • Toddler Development
    • Research-Backed Real-Life Strategies to Discipline Toddlers without Yelling (even during a pandemic))
    • Research-Backed Ways to Thrive Through the Toddler Years

The Scientific Reason Why Yelling at Your Kids Doesn’t Work

Parenting Research · February 8, 2017

{Yelling at your kids is not something any parent plans to do, but it happens from time to time. Research helps us learn why yelling doesn’t work for us or our kids}

Remember the last time you just “lost it” with your kids? I mean yelling at your kids, red-in-the-face…lost it. 

Although I’ve read child development books and know why yelling doesn’t work, I am no exception to this particular parenting embarrassment. My kids can push my buttons like no one else…probably because I helped “install” their buttons, right? We are often more like each other than we’d like to admit.

When my older son starts seeming “ungrateful” (at least to my mind) or whiny, that’s usually my trigger.

How about you? What triggers you to become upset at your kids?

But how does yelling at your kids affect them? Does it actually make an impression or make them understand any better?

This expression of angry or frustrated emotion may have gotten your child’s attention rather quickly, but do moments like this really reinforce their memory of what you say to them?

why yelling doesn't work

**This post contains affiliate links. Purchasing through these links helps support this blog at no added cost to you.

Why Yelling is Not Effective: The Science of Emotion and Listening

A recent study of vocal emotion and memory may shed a little light on this topic. Although this topic did not specifically consider emotion in parents’ communication, I think the implications of this study could be applied to parenting situations. 
 

During the study, participants listened to words spoken in either a neutral or sad tone of voice. Later the participants were asked to recall the words from memory. Interestingly, the results of the study showed that people tended to remember words spoken in a neutral tone better than those spoken in a sad tone. Additionally, participants remembered words spoken in a sad tone more negatively than the other words.

Related reading: Research Reveals the Real Reason Why You’re Losing Your Temper with Your Toddler

This research makes perfect sense based on what we know from previous studies. As most of us know, psychologists have shown that individuals (kids included) have a much harder time remembering things or functioning well cognitively when their brain is flooded by distressing emotions like anxiety or fear. This is why children consistently exposed to stress or trauma have a hard time learning. Scholars studying the impact of poverty on children have found that this emotional stress is a common hindrance to their learning. For children living in poverty, emotions such as fear or anxiety are all too common and they can ultimately interfere with their brain’s ability to process new information effectively.

calming cornerCalming Corner {alternative for yelling that teaches emotional skills}

 
The interplay between emotion and cognitive functioning may even be more relevant for relationships between young children and their parents. Depending on their temperament, young children may be easily frightened or made anxious by a harsh tone of voice used by a parent whom they normally trust and rely upon.

All parents occasionally lose their temper or raise their voice with their children. What all this research shows us, however, is that the potential anxiety provoked by this tone of voice probably undermines any message you try to get across to your child. When distressing emotions flood the brain, it is very difficult for children (or adults for that matter) to remember and process words or information very effectively. As difficult as it may be, a calm tone of voice may actually help your children remember what you are saying in the long run.

Learn how understanding your child’s temperament might affect your parenting (psst…and limit the yelling). Download this ebook—Understanding Your Child’s Temperament

child temperament

How Do You Discipline Without Yelling?

As important as this research is, it is hard to remain calm and patient at times when your kids are pushing your buttons. After years of missteps on this issues, I’ve begun to think more mindfully about the big picture of discipline and patience.

Discipline Means Teaching

The one thing I keep coming back to is the definition of “discipline.”

Discipline comes from the word “disciple” meaning “a follower of a teacher or leader.”

We are the teacher or leader for our children, not the dictator. Through discipline, we hope that they will follow our lead and our instruction. Key to this understanding then is modeling the behavior we want to see in our kids.

Secondly, discipline is supposed to instruct, not just punish. We can take away toys or ground kids for eternity, but if we don’t instruct them on how to respond differently the next time, then we are missing a big part of discipline. This can be a really helpful way to avoid yelling at kids.

Action tip: Try to focus on the lesson you want them to learn from the situation. Offer a “redo” for them to use kinder words or comply with a request before implementing a punishment. You can become their “coach” in a sense, guiding them to learn the appropriate behavior in a given situation.


 Behavior is Communication

If you’re not familiar with the “iceberg theory” of behavior, I would encourage you to take a moment to review it. It has been a game-changer for my parenting. The idea is that the behavior we see from our kids is just the “tip of the iceberg” and usually there is an underlying need that is trying to be expressed.

iceberg theory of behavior

Iceberg Theory (see full article)

In our kids, what we perceive as misbehavior is oftentimes a sign of underlying worry, lack of emotional skills or an unspoken need. Digging deeper into the root cause of behavior can really help you keep your child’s need at the forefront and maybe even calm your temper.

One way of looking at underlying causes is to consider the developmental stage that your kids are going through that may be prompting the irritating behavior. Especially with toddlers and young children, their erratic behavior is often a sign of an oncoming developmental change.

 Related reading: The Key to Making Sense of Your Child’s Crankiness: Understanding Toddler Growth Spurts
 

Action Tip: As hard as it is, try to take a moment to consider what might be the underlying cause of your child’s behavior. Is she overtired, hungry, overstimulated, etc. and the misbehavior is just the outward sign of this need? Try to meet all these basic needs prior to moving straight to discipline or punishment.

yelling doesn't work

Age-Appropriate Expectations

Another big step in remaining calm is having reasonable expectations of children’s behavior. As one of my favorite child development writers, Janet Lansbury, says,

“During the toddler years, our most reasonable expectation is the unreasonable.  Expecting the madness makes it far easier to keep our cool.”

I have found this type of approach to be helpful at older ages as well. Of course, it makes more sense to have different expectations for an elementary-age child, but it is helpful to understand that their behavior may have less to do with you and more to do with them just trying to mature and learn. At times, they may not be trying to intentional irritate you but simply do not yet have the emotional tools to express themselves in a more appropriate way.

expectful

Action tip: Focus on discipline as a skill-building model, rather than a punishment model. Young children need a lot of guidance to understand the appropriate ways to express emotions, self-regulate and master social-emotional skills. Using techniques like a calming corner or activities that build social-emotional skills can be a wonderful alternative to harsh punishment and yelling. Once kids learn how to manage their big emotional more effectively, you will probably find yourself yelling less.

Related Resources:

No Bad Kids

No Drama Discipline

child temperament

Understanding Your Child’s Temperament

 

Pin and share with other thoughtful parents!

yelling at kids 

Share this:

  • Tweet

Related

Filed Under: Parenting Research Tagged With: discipline, emotions, parenting, toddlers

Amy Webb

Writer and mom of two who brings academic child development and parenting information into the lives of ordinary parents who can use it in their daily lives.

Reader Interactions

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Primary Sidebar

temperament quiz
As a mom of two young boys, I've seen first-hand how research-based child development information, combined with intuition, can guide you through your parenting journey. Although I have a Ph.D.in Human Development and Family Sciences, many of my real parenting discoveries have come through my experience. I believe parenting with confidence comes from knowledge; parenting with grace comes from insight. Join me on this parenting journey of learning and discovery

Learn Your Child’s Temperament

child temperament book

Get Parenting Inspiration at My RedBubble Shop

Preview My New Book!

Search

As seen on

Amazon affiliate links appear on this blog. As an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases (at no added cost to you).

My Online Course for Moms

stay at home mom course

Popular Posts

  • mirror test babies
    Child Psychology Classics: The Mirror Test
  • top parenting blogs
    23 Best Parenting Blogs
  • acts of kindness ideas for kids
    Acts of Kindness for Kids: Ideas Kids Can Do While Stuck at Home
  • how to be a happy stay-at-home mom
    Toddlers Have Big Emotions. Insight from Research on How to Respond
  • difficult baby temperament
    More Evidence that “Difficult” Babies are Most Influenced by Parents

Join our community of parents!

parenting

Copyright © 2021 · Maker Pro on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in

We use cookies to ensure that we give you the best experience on our website. If you continue to use this site we will assume that you are happy with it.Ok