A Parent’s Guide to Understanding the 4 Attachment Styles

Sneak peek: Understanding attachment styles in children helps explain the dynamics of bonding during the early formative years of development.

Thanks to my last post, we now understand the origins of attachment theory–what the researchers were interested in and why. Now, let’s move on to understanding the theory itself and how it helps us understand parenting attachment styles. Even today, this research forms much of the basis of the study of child development and parenting.

Psychologist Mary Ainsworth first began studying and testing her theory of attachment in Uganda in the mid-1950s. She intensely observed mothers and infants in their homes in Uganda for several hours a day for up to nine months. Upon returning to the U.S., she continued a similar type of study in Baltimore with a sample of American mothers and infants. 

Related reading: The Thoughtful Parent’s Guide to Attachment Theory

Ultimately, she devised a study method called the Strange Situation which enabled researchers to determine what kind of infant attachment style each baby had with his/her parent. Here’s a video clip of how the Strange Situation works:

What are the Four Attachment Styles?

Basically, the Strange Situation involves a series of short separations and reunions between the infant (usually around 12 months old) and his/her parent or primary caregiver (usually the mother). How the child responds to the parent when she returns is key to understanding the infant attachment styles.  Ainsworth ultimately developed four attachment categories based on the Strange Situation: 

 Secure: 

Most children (about 60%) play happily when in the same room with their mother. They typically spend some time close to their mother and some time exploring their surroundings. They use their mother as a “secure base” from which to explore their new environment. Upon separation, these children are typically somewhat distressed but are easily calmed and comforted by their mother when she returns. 

Ambivalent: 

Some children do not use their mother as a secure base to such a degree and instead, try to stay close to her even before the separation. When separated, these children are extremely upset. Upon reunion with their mother, they seem to react with some ambivalence: they may cry to be picked up but then seem to push the mother away or not be easily soothed. 

Avoidant:

Some children show a pattern of avoidance with their mother. They do not engage in play with their mother while she is in the room and when she leaves, they show little distress. Upon reunion with their mother, these children do not try to readily seek her out

Disorganized:

This category was developed several years later. These children are often very distressed by separations from their mothers but display disorganized behavior upon her return, such as approaching but then backing away. They may show behaviors like frozen expressions or rocking. Most often, these patterns are seen among children whose mothers have mental health problems or have experienced extreme trauma.   

It is important to note that most children exhibit a secure attachment with their caregiver. Research has shown that children who show signs of insecure attachment (i.e., avoidant, ambivalent, etc.) most often have parents who were unresponsive or inconsistent in their responses to the child (i.e., sometimes responsive but not always) so he/she doesn’t know how to react. 

Quick Summary: What causes each attachment style?:

• Secure → consistent, responsive caregiving
• Anxious → inconsistent caregiving
• Avoidant → emotionally unavailable caregiving
• Disorganized → fear or unpredictability

 It’s also important to note that you cannot really identify the style of attachment your infant has just by your interaction with them. These categories were designed to be evaluated in a lab setting with researchers who have extensive training in attachment theory. I know it’s tempting to assume our children have a certain attachment pattern, but I would really leave the categorizing up to the researchers.

Related reading: What Being a Stay-at-Home Mom Taught Me About Child Development {that a Ph.D. didn’t}

How to Build Secure Attachment

Secure attachment doesn’t come from being a “perfect” parent—it comes from being a consistent, emotionally available, and responsive one over time. Small, everyday interactions are what shape how your child learns to trust, regulate emotions, and feel safe in relationships.

1. Respond Consistently

Consistency helps children feel safe because they learn they can rely on you.

This doesn’t mean responding instantly every time, but it does mean your child can generally predict how you’ll react.

What this looks like:

• Comforting your child when they’re upset
• Following through on routines (bedtime, meals, transitions)
• Responding in a similar, calm way to similar behaviors

Why it matters:
When responses are predictable, children develop a sense of security and trust. Over time, they internalize the belief: “My needs matter, and someone will help me.”

Related reading: What Every Parent Should Know About Attachment Theory

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2. Validate Emotions

Children don’t need you to fix every feeling; they need to feel understood.

Emotion validation teaches kids that their feelings are acceptable, even when their behavior is not appropriate.

What this looks like:

• “You’re really frustrated that the toy broke.”
• “It’s hard to stop playing when you’re having fun.”
• Naming emotions before redirecting behavior: “You’re so angry at your brother. I understand that, but we don’t hit each other.”

Why it matters:
When children feel seen and understood, they’re more likely to develop emotional regulation skills and less likely to escalate into bigger meltdowns.

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3. Repair After Conflict

Every parent loses patience sometimes. What builds secure attachment isn’t avoiding mistakes—it’s repairing them.

What this looks like:

• Saying, “I’m sorry I yelled. That wasn’t the best way to handle it.”
• Reconnecting after a timeout or argument
• Offering a hug or calm conversation once emotions settle

Why it matters:
Repair teaches children that relationships can handle conflict and still be safe. This builds resilience and trust, even after difficult moments.

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4. Be Emotionally Available

Being emotionally available means tuning into your child, not just physically being present.

It’s about noticing their cues, emotions, and needs, even in small moments.

What this looks like:

• Making eye contact when they talk to you
• Putting your phone down during important interactions
• Showing interest in their thoughts, feelings, and experiences

Why it matters:
Children develop secure attachment when they feel like they truly matter to their caregiver—not just in big moments, but in everyday connections.

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What About Attachment Parenting?

I also want to point out that attachment theory is different from attachment parenting. In developing attachment theory, psychologists Bowlby and Ainsworth did not set out any specific parenting techniques per se. Ainsworth wrote that the main factors that influence attachment are: sensitivity-insensitivity, acceptance-rejection, cooperation-interference, and accessibility-ignoring.

Related Reading: How Breaking the Attachment Parenting “Rules” Taught Me One of the Best Lessons

Attachment parenting is a term coined in recent years (not by Ainsworth) to describe a combination of certain parenting techniques and principles. Proponents of attachment parenting often encourage practices such as natural birth, co-sleeping, and babywearing. While the original attachment theorists (Ainsworth and Bowlby) focused on sensitive, responsive parenting, they never referenced many of the terms used in attachment parenting circles. In other words, a parent can form a secure attachment with their child in ways other than solely focusing on “attachment parenting” techniques.

 FAQ: Attachment Styles in Children

Related Resources 

Tender Beginnings: My book to support moms during the first 6 months of motherhood. Child development milestones, inspiration, and real-life stories.