Sneak peek: Overcoming parental guilt isn’t about doing what others expect or ask of you. It’s about getting in touch with your authentic values.
Much of what parents experience as 'guilt' is actually 'false guilt,' according to Amy Webb, Ph.D., and author Valorie Burton, as discussed on The Thoughtful Parent. This 'false guilt' is not based on actual wrongdoing but originates from cultural context, external expectations, or societal pressures. Parents often feel this when setting boundaries for their children, even though these actions typically stem from a desire to keep children safe, healthy, and to pass along values. Overcoming parental guilt involves getting in touch with one's authentic values rather than conforming to others' expectations.
When was the last time you felt guilty about something related to parenting? If you’re like most parents I know it was about…5 minutes ago.
I hear all the time from parents how they “feel guilty” because they are setting a boundary or limit for their child, and, as kids do, the child is protesting that limit.
Maybe it’s setting a boundary around your child eating sweets or a limit on screen time. You end up feeling guilty because they protest the limit.
Or perhaps it’s a boundary with your kids about something that differs from their friends. Maybe all your child’s friends have a cellphone, but you are not ready to give your child one. Then you feel guilty because their friends get things that your child doesn’t have.
Sometimes this issue comes in when you don’t set a boundary that you feel pressured to set. You fail to set a boundary about something that your parents put a boundary around—like eating habits or homework completion. You end up feeling guilty because you’re not living up to the invisible expectation that your parents had for you.
It’s clear that these feelings of guilt come up A LOT in parenting. But is it really guilt? Is setting boundaries and limits for our kids something we should feel guilty about doing?
Is parental guilt really guilt?
Let’s think for a minute about what the word “guilt” really means. The dictionary definition says “guilty” means: “the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, especially against moral or penal law; culpability.” The other definition is this: “a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.” (emphasis mine)
By these definitions, I would argue that these experiences that parents often feel aren’t true guilt because the boundaries that we’re setting are not coming from a place of hurting another person or doing anything wrong. In fact, most of the boundaries we set for our kids are coming from a place of keeping them safe, healthy, or, most importantly, helping to pass along our values. Based on this, it seems that this whole issue of boundaries and guilt in our parenting culture is a little misplaced.
I was thinking about this topic when I heard a podcast recently with author Valorie Burton and everything in this podcast reinforced what I already felt about overcoming parental guilt. It was so helpful to understand these different notions of “guilt” and how they might apply to this experience we feel as parents. What she describes is the concept of “false guilt.” It is basically where you have these feelings of guilt, but they’re not really based on anything that you did wrong. This feeling of “false guilt” originates more from your cultural context or the people surrounding you, or other outside forces. Let’s dive into this for a minute. Let’s consider why feelings of false guilt come up. Burton contends that they can come up for a variety of reasons, but being attentive to the reasons why they are coming up is the most important part.
So one big reason that she talks about (and I agree with this) where a sense of false guilt comes from is from those around you or the culture around you. And perhaps most importantly, how these may conflict with your true values. For example, say you have a value for your family of healthy eating. You want your kids to eat a well-balanced diet and eat vegetables and all the healthy things that we know are good for them. But, you’re surrounded by a family or a culture that maybe doesn’t support healthy eating as much as you value it. This could be a source of conflict.
Related reading: The Scientific Reason Why Yelling at Your Kids Doesn’t Work
What shows up is this: you go to someone’s house or gathering and all the kids are eating junk food and you have told your kids they’re not going to get junk food. You expect them to eat the veggie tray you brought and maybe have one sweet treat. Of course, they likely protest this limit and then this feeling of false guilt comes up. This feeling comes up largely because the setting in which you find yourself is not supportive of your values. This conflict comes up and prompts feelings of false guilt.
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How to handle parental guilt
Burton points out, however, that the key to overcoming this is getting in touch with your authentic values. This is a key point. I think this is where so many of us fall away from what we’re trying to do with our kids. If we firmly believe in the value that we are trying to pass along to our kids (healthy eating in this case) then we have to really get in touch with that and feel confident in that value. If we really return to and have a confident sense of what our values are in any given situation, then I think that sense of false guilt can start to fall away.
Action step 1: Get in touch with your authentic values.
The other issue has to do with our expectations for our children. Sometimes our false guilt comes from having expectations for kids that aren’t realistic. For example, suppose we expect that our two-year-old is going to sit in church or a waiting room quietly without problems or squirming. This expectation is probably not going to be met by most toddlers. So if we have that expectation in our mind, we feel guilty when our toddler throws a fit or squirms around. In this situation, the false guilt is not coming from a conflict of values, but from a conflict of expectations that you (or those around you) have for the child. You have an expectation of certain behavior, and your child cannot meet that because of developmental reasons.
Action step 2: Change your expectations the next time you go into that setting. Mindfully consider what is a developmentally appropriate expectation for your child.
Things might go a little bit more smoothly because you have a better, more realistic expectation of what’s going to happen. We see this a lot in parenting, especially when it comes to in-laws and family members who may have grown up with a totally different understanding of child development and what kids are capable of at each age. In those situations, if you can, try to communicate to your in-laws or family members about what your child is capable of (or not) at this age. If that is not possible, you might need to be prepared to address that issue in some way and deal with the potential conflict that might come up.
Overcoming parental guilt
Overcoming parental guilt (or false guilt) can be a key aspect of becoming the parents we want to be. When we give in to false guilt and allow that junk food or yell at our toddler for being a toddler, we not only undermine our values, but we undermine our own parenting confidence. That’s right. We begin to doubt our own judgment and intuition about parenting decisions. This makes parenting feel even harder and less joyful.
I encourage you to look closely at the situations where you feel “guilty” in parenting. Is it really guilt? Or is it false guilt based on someone else’s expectations or a denial of your own values? It’s hard to look at situations this way. But it’s worth it to be a more confident, happy parent. You and your kids will be glad you did.
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