What does child rearing mean to you? Sometimes we get so busy with our daily lives as parents we don’t consider what our parenting philosophy is. Is our main goal of happiness for our kids or something much deeper?
On the face of it, this may seem like a silly question–what does child rearing mean to you? Another way of saying it is: What is your parenting philosophy? When you really think about the core of your parenting ideas, what do you feel is the purpose of parenting? I think most parents would say something along the lines of their goal being to raise a happy, healthy, kind child who can function independently in the world as an adult. Depending on your particular beliefs, aspects of religious, spiritual, or moral teaching may be part of your answer as well. In looking for the best parenting advice, taking into account your beliefs about child rearing is crucial.
What are the Four Styles of Child Rearing ?
This question of child rearing styles or philosophies is nothing new. For as long as we’ve been studying “parenting” as a concept, researchers have classified parents into different camps. Diane Baumrind is the most notable researcher to examine parenting philosophies. In her now-classic studies, she developed 4 parenting styles:
- Permissive–a very emotionally responsive type of parenting; does not provide structure or enforce rules.
- Authoritative–emotionally responsive; also sets boundaries and enforces rules.
- Authoritarian–emotionally unresponsive; demanding in enforcing boundaries and rules.
- Uninvolved–emotionally unresponsive; does not provide structure or rules.
As you can see, these parenting styles all focus on the relative balance between emotional responsiveness and structure or boundary-setting. What Baumrind found, and many other researchers have replicated, is that kids seem to fare best (by standard outcomes like emotional well-being, academics, happiness, etc.) when their parents have a good balance of both setting boundaries and providing emotional support. In other words, the “messy middle.” Parents who are not overly demanding nor overly permissive seem to have kids who are the most emotionally stable.
By today’s standards, these simple classifications seem quaint and oversimplified. Parents today are bombarded with parenting trends left and right. We hear phrases like “helicopter parenting” or “tiger parenting” thrown around every week. In essence, however, most parenting trends can be traced back to these basic ideas about parenting styles. It seems today’s parenting trends just extrapolate these styles to more specific aspects of parenting rather than a more general overarching idea.
A Child Rearing Philosophy Based on Happiness or Something Else?
I raise the question of child rearing philosophy after reading an interesting article by psychologist Richard Weissbourd. He turns research like that of Baumrind’s on its head. Essentially, he contends that children’s happiness or self-esteem shouldn’t be the end-all measure of parenting “success.” He argues (and research backs this up) that many parents in today’s American culture have begun to put their child’s happiness and self-esteem as a primary parenting goal, often over morality and maturity.
Now, of course, all parents want their children to be happy. The real question, however, is what is the best route to get there? This becomes one of the driving questions behind our child rearing philosophies. Weissbourd contends (and I agree) that the best way to promote children’s happiness is to help them learn to focus on their relationships with others. He states,
“Yet the irony is that when parents prioritize their children’s happiness or self-esteem over their attentiveness and care for others, children are not only less likely to be moral: they are less likely to be happy in the long run. Too much attention to how children feel moment to moment, and to how they feel about themselves, can make children preoccupied with their own feelings and less able to tune in to or organize themselves around others. It can deprive children of key capacities they need to have gratifying relationships– to be good friends, colleagues, parents, grandparents– the true source of lasting well-being.”
Weissbourd thinks that instead of happiness, our goal in parenting should be helping our children develop maturity. Maturity involves learning to regulate your own emotions, handle conflict amicably, and self-evaluate your behavior.
If Diane Baumrind were around today, I have a feeling she would tell Weissbourd that what he describes is essentially authoritative parenting. Authoritative parents provide emotional support for kids to learn to regulate their emotions, while still providing the structure and boundaries needed to develop positive relationships and accountability to others in their lives.
Related Reading: The Secret to Raising Happy Kids: Don’t Focus on Happiness
I think most of us inherently know that our relationships with others are the source of much of our happiness, yet I can see how this might be easy to overlook in the midst of parenting. Plus, it’s not easy to explain to a three-year-old why it’s more important to learn to get along with their older sibling than it is to have that ice cream sundae (a source of great momentary happiness). Of course, this is not really an either/or proposition.
Related reading: What is Positive Parenting and How Does it Help My Child?
By focusing on a child rearing philosophy that puts less emphasis on momentary happiness and more on maturity and relationships, happiness will be the ultimate prize.
Understanding our Children
Weissbourd offers several great suggestions for how to nurture maturity in children, but his discussion of the strength of self is particularly good. While it is tempting to think that praising children all the time helps build their sense of self, Weissbourd makes what I think is a compelling statement,
“The self becomes stronger and more mature less by being praised than by being known.”
All good things to remember! Happiness (for ourselves and our children) may be one of our goals, but actually focusing less on ourselves may be the path to get there.
What is your philosophy of child rearing? Let me know in the comments!
Related Resources:
Perfect for Pinning:
The Mother
The myth of self-esteem parenting seems to have grown out of the ME generation.
I’m not suggesting that bashing your kid is a good idea. But the primary job of parenting is to raise a self-sufficient, morally and ethically capable child who can THINK and act responsibly.
And that requires discipline. Something that the self-esteem parenters seem to forget.
Mine have all been raised in a more or less tough love environment, where they were forced to own up to their mistakes and responsibility.
And they, paradoxically, are among the most self-assured young men I have ever met.
Amazing what self-reliance can do for your ego.
TheFeministBreeder
I agree with this. I think it is important for a child to have a healthy dose of self-esteem, but also to understand that they need to place their needs in relation to the needs of others. I want my children to feel good about themselves, but not think that getting their way is the only thing that matters. For this reason, we don’t give into their every little whim. They are loved and well cared for, but we don’t allow either child to dictate the happiness of the entire household.
On the other hand, I cannot help bu tell my child how smart or talented he is when he names all the presidents, or says his ABCs (he’s 2.5). I also praise him for sharing with others and being nice to his baby brother. I want him to feel pride for his accomplishments.
sarasophia
Following from MBC—please follow back…
<3 sarasophia
HerMedia
"their attentiveness and care for others" this is sooo true ! Great post. I am reading a book right now about raising we children in a me society. Sociallbly responsible children that is my childrearing goal 😉
I would love to see your blog at herblogdirectory.com
Julia Moravcsik, PhD
Maturity seems like a great goal for kids. But honestly, the happiest adults I see aren't particularly mature. They have a childlike quality to them. If a kid learns to regulate emotions, handle conflict, and self-evaluate, that's great. But adults who seem REALLY good at that seem kind of anal — the ones who don't know how to have fun.
Maybe there are a lot of ways of being happy and we should nurture all of them.
Brenda C
I agree will all of you ladies. Great post. It’s not my first rodeo but I let my guard down as a single mother im the fun mom and the bad mom. I wish kids came with a manual, I lost mine that’s why im here. I’m like a sponge open to receive info. But yes happy stress free, full of self love and maturity is the goal