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At my moms’ group last year, somehow the topic of “unwanted” parenting advice came up in discussion. I was shocked to hear so many other moms with stories of mothers-in-law, aunts or even strangers offering judgments on their parenting decisions.
It might be the food they feed their kids, how long they breastfeed, or even the choice to cut (or not) their toddler’s newly grown-out hair. While many of the moms just sloughed off these comments with a sense of humor, many felt judged or even disrespected by this intrusion.
I am fortunate that the most judgment I’ve ever really faced is a few sideways glances at my misbehaving kids at Target or maybe a glare at a restaurant.
You’re Not the Only One
In a recent study, two-thirds of moms of young children said they had felt criticized about parenting decisions. We see this all the time with celebrities–if it’s not Mila Kunis being shamed for breastfeeding in public, it’s Reese Witherspoon being criticized for her son’s meal choices.
But what about the rest of us? Who is doing the “mom shaming” among ordinary non-celebrity moms? The answer may not surprise you–our families.
|Courtesy of C.S. Mott Children’s Hospital|
Among moms who reported feeling criticized about parenting decisions, the most common shamers where their own parents (or in-laws) and the other parent of their child (of course, frequently that is their own spouse!).
The Real Effects of Mom Shaming
What is the real problem with mom-shaming? Didn’t our moms experience this from their moms too? Well, perhaps that is true. We do not have good data on the amount of parenting criticism faced in past generations. I think one key here is to understand the effects mom shaming can have on mother’s mental health and state of mind. Raising young children is stressful enough. On a daily basis, you face a multitude of decisions about health, safety, nutrition, etc. As mothers, it only undermines our confidence to have other people standing over our shoulder questioning our decisions. If you are like most mothers I know, you have already questioned those decisions about a thousand times in your head anyway. The anxiety and uncertainty that mom shaming can provoke are real and unhealthy for a newly-developed parent-child relationship.
In what other jobs in the world are you criticized by your boss or co-workers every day? How do you think your job performance would suffer if this was your situation? Although parenting is more than a job, I think the comparison is eye-opening.
A Change in Perspective
The real answer to ending mom shaming is to develop a new perspective on the issue. Consider for a moment how mom shaming affects all of us, even if we aren’t the immediate perpetrators or victims of the shaming. That mom that was criticized at a store or glared at soccer practice might be:
- the future mother-in-law of your son
- the mom of your toddler’s future best friend
- your neighbor that you haven’t met yet
- your child’s teacher
Put in this perspective, we can see how mom shaming undermines the confidence and decision-making of women all around us. If we want the world to be a safer, happier, more meaningful place for all our kids, then all moms deserve the opportunity to face parenting decisions with thoughtfulness and confidence, not shame or anxiety.
Moms are usually just trying to do the best they can in a given situation. When stress, sleep-deprivation, frazzled nerves and screaming toddlers get the best of us, we are all prone to making mistakes. This does NOT make you a bad mom; it makes you human.
So the next time you see a mom struggling through a tantrum at Target, let’s all try to offer a word of support (or at least a smile) instead of a judgmental stare. Who knows…it might just give her the strength to react in a calm way instead of losing her patience.
We are all in this motherhood thing together.
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