Discover the Best Way to Foster Cooperation in Your Toddler

Last Updated on October 24th, 2019

{While offering some choice can help ease transitions, giving toddlers choices can be overwhelming to them. A few ideas (and research) to consider for toddler parenting.}

If you’re the parent of a toddler, you’ve probably heard this advice at least 100 times: 

“give your child choices so they will feel empowered and less likely to have a tantrum when asked to comply.”

In general, this advice typically works, especially when the choice is something like wearing purple socks or green socks. No problem. A toddler can usually make that simple decision and it prevents a battle over wearing socks at all. But…this advice should come with a huge caveat—giving toddlers choices can also be overwhelming to them. Let’s take a closer look at this key aspect of toddler development.

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In our modern Western society, the amount of choice kids have is mind-boggling. Just look at Netflix or a toy store and you realize how overwhelming choices can be for young kids.

Giving choices to toddlers can be empowering but I think this advice needs to be broken down a bit to understand how it can work in real life.

In order to understand why offering choices is important, let’s take a minute and consider the toddler stage of development. Compared to our newborns we remember swaddling up each night, our toddlers are relatively mature and competent. They can walk, feed themselves (sort of), pick up their toys, play with us and laugh (and make us laugh). 

In the broad range of development, however, toddlerhood can be a tricky stage. One of toddlers’ main developmental tasks is independence. You see this in their constant refrain, “I do it myself!” While trying at times, this strive for independence is normal and actually exactly what we want them do be doing at this age.

With this strive for independence, however, comes many battles. Toddlers want (and sometimes think) they can do EVERYTHING on their own. Especially if your toddler has a strong-willed (or shall we say “spirited”) temperament, they have an innate sense of confidence that rivals many politicians. We parents, on the other hand, are in charge of making sure our toddlers are safe and that they don’t harm themselves by trying to do tasks beyond their years. This combination of a need for independence coupled with a parent trying to keep them safe, can equal a battle of wills. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

THIS combination is the exact reason why it is important (and helpful) to give toddlers choices. Choices send a few important messages to toddlers:

• They have some control in the world. Young children really have very little control over anything in their life. They are told when to eat, sleep, potty, etc. multiple times a day. While this is the way it should be, choices offer them a minuscule amount of control over their world.
• You listen to them. Having a toddler involves no small amount of listening–to their chatting, to their stories, to their tales of Paw Patrol and Disney characters. However, as parents, we sometimes don’t really listen to their opinions or wants about things (we can’t all the time). Giving toddlers some choices sends the message that you really are hearing them. That connectedness matters to young kids.

Related reading: Toddlers Have Big Emotions. Insight from Research on How to Respond

• They have (a bit) of independence. Since independence is a major developmental task of toddlerhood, it is part of our job to foster this in the ways that we can. No, we can’t allow our toddler to chop vegetables for tonight’s dinner (although some probably think they really can). However, we can allow them some choice in simple things like clothing, the order of events or activities. 

We’ve all been in the situation where we think we’re on top of our parenting game and we offer our toddler a choice in order to facilitate transitioning to the next event. For example, you might say to your toddler at a park, “do you want to leave now or in 10 minutes.” Inevitably, your child chooses “in 10 minutes” (who wouldn’t) but then when 10 minutes pass, there is still a tantrum about leaving.

What gives?

Didn’t I do everything right? I offered my child a choice, I respected that choice and we still experienced a meltdown.

Tis life as a toddler parent. 

This raises a really good point about why giving choices doesn’t always work to prevent a tantrum or unhappy interaction. Of course, when it comes to parenting, no strategy or technique “works” 100% of the time. Kids are human and so are we. We are all unpredictable and no amount of child psychology can really account for that.

However, there are a few things to consider about toddler development when giving choices. Besides the typical toddler unpredictability, here are a few other reasons why giving choices may not go as planned:

The context of the situation

Offering toddlers choices will be less likely to result in a positive outcome if the situation involves too much emotion, too much pressure or too much speed. In other words, if toddlers (or adults for that matter) feel pressured to make a decision, the resulting outcome is likely to turn out poorly. Toddlers have no sense of time but they can keenly sense emotion. As a result, if you seem rushed or upset when offering them choices, they will likely make a choice that they don’t like or will become so emotionally unregulated by the process, that they meltdown anyway. 

The choices are not age-appropriate

This seems like an obvious one, but it’s easy to forget. Some toddlers act very mature at times, but they really have limited maturity to cope with choices that are beyond them. Offering choices that involve skills that toddlers usually don’t have like planning ahead, organization or thinking about another person’s perspective, are likely to not turn out well.

Related reading: Fun and Effective Executive Functioning Activities for Preschoolers {printable}

Too many choices

This issue is probably the most common when it comes to offering choices. Giving toddlers too many choices is paralyzing to them. They want everything and they want it right now. That’s just what it means to be a toddler. Most parents know that overwhelming a toddler with choices is not an effective approach.

Unfortunately, sometimes the world around us forgets that. Sometimes we find ourselves in situations where the choices are unmanagable–amusement parks, stores, birthday parties, etc. As parents, it’s helpful to keep in mind that anyway in which we can limit or put boundaries on our toddlers’ choices (even if they protest), will ultimately serve them well.

Our society today is often busy, loud and saturated with choices. Even as adults, it’s easy to become overwhelmed by choice. Giving toddlers too many choices is perhaps a cultural remnant of this atmosphere. As parents, however, we can simplify our children’s world by putting boundaries on their choices, providing age-appropriate choices and guiding them through their challenges. With a little understanding and patience, you and your toddler can thrive through this unpredictable stage of development.

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