Sneak peek: Parenting ideas to consider as we start a new year.
Last week I discussed the idea of why the phrase “New Year New You” doesn’t really work and the power of habits. Following up on this idea, I thought I would discuss a few parenting ideas that I’m embracing (that you might want to consider too).
One of these key ideas is this: not doing things for my kids that they can do themselves (or should be doing for themselves). One book that has been informing my thinking lately is Emily Edlynn’s book, Autonomy-Supportive Parenting. It may sound new but as I’ve thought more about the issues, it’s become clear that this approach to parenting really isn’t new. It’s our culture that has changed and made this approach seem like it’s something novel or unusual.
In the past few decades, the concept of “helicopter parenting” has taken a central role in our collective consciousness. Autonomy-supportive parenting is a clear alternative to that. As I’m sure you know, autonomy means essentially self-governing. As a parent, the idea of a child (or even a teenager) being self-governing sounds scary. I think that’s because, for so many of the early years of our children’s lives, we do have a certain degree of control over their lives (or at least it feels like we do).
We have a large degree of control over what they eat, what clothes they wear, and their routine. Then as they get older, the goal is to start gradually backing off of our control (in small, age-appropriate ways) allowing them more autonomy, and more control over choices. I think that’s where many of us have problems — that’s a hard transition to make. It’s hard to let go and to allow our children to possibly fail or make mistakes.
But that’s where the real secret lies: the times when our children struggle, fail, or make mistakes are often the times when they grow and learn the most.
This was made so clear to me as I watched a wonderful video on Instagram the other day from Dr. Tina Payne Bryson describing Dr. Aliza Pressman’s new book, The Five Principles of Parenting (which I’m looking forward to reading). Dr. Pressman uses this wonderful metaphor to describe this process. She says something like,
“We can’t change the weather for our kids. We have to teach them to dress for the weather.”
This phrase makes sense in its most direct sense but it also is even more beautiful as a metaphor. We can’t usually change the circumstances that our kids are in or the world around them. We can’t undo the teasing they endure at school or the time they fail a big test. We can’t fix it. But we can give them skills to know how to cope with those situations and those adversities.
By allowing more autonomy, we are enabling them to gain these valuable skills sooner rather than later. They are naturally going to experience some challenges and make bad choices, but they’re also going to learn to how to work through consequences and feelings. We can’t fix those adversities but we can hold their hands and walk with them through the hard feelings. We can be their companion, their coach, and their guide as they learn some of the most valuable lessons in life — how to cope with the hard stuff.
That’s a big idea. What else am I embracing this year?
Other parenting ideas I’m embracing:
- Encouraging age-appropriate independence (that goes along with the first one)
- Being compassionate with myself when I mess up with my kids (research shows self-compassion is way more beneficial than berating yourself)
- Making amends — not being afraid to apologize to my kids
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