Sneak peek: When was the last time you asked yourself, “Shouldn’t my child know how to do this by now?” Child development can’t be rushed, but waiting on the process is one of those parenting challenges we don’t talk about much.
What does it mean to be patient with a child? At one level, this phrase probably evokes images of trying not to lose your temper when your child makes a poor choice or a mistake—such as spilling milk all over the counter. That requires patience to bite your tongue and have a calm reaction.
That aspect of patience is important, but I’ve recently started thinking about another aspect of patience.
The patience it takes to wait for your child’s development. The patience it requires not to feel like you need to rush your child to grow up.
I’ve noticed this more in the last few years, as the speed of technology has made everything in our lives so instantaneous. Almost everything in our lives is focused on not having to wait. We can get food delivered almost instantly; we have packages delivered within a day, if not the same day.
Related reading: Want to be a More Patient Parent? Start Here…
In a lot of ways, I think we expect things to happen quickly because that’s what we see in daily life. Some of this mentality has seeped into how we see children’s development. We want them to develop skills quickly, be ahead of the curve, and be in the 90th percentile on the growth chart. Some writers have called this “hurried child syndrome.” I’m not much for new psychology slang, but it should give us food for thought.
Child development isn’t meant to be a race.
Children develop at the pace of nature, not technology.
Child development can’t be rushed
I hear this issue a lot when I get questions from parents. They often ask something like, “Shouldn’t they have learned this by now?” The “this” in the question can be almost anything—a skill, a behavior, or a way of thinking.
I remember thinking this too, when my sons were three or four. It feels like we’ve been over this issue a hundred times. It could be emotional skills, like not having a tantrum when I say no to another cookie, or how to avoid a fight with their sibling. But in the grand scheme of things, they haven’t been practicing it that long.
Even now that my sons are much older, I still repeat some of the same messages and lessons that we’ve talked about since they were five or six. Ideas like how to get along with your sibling, or how to think through the consequences of your actions.
When your child is young, you feel like you’re constantly repeating the same lessons, the same instructions—it’s because you are repeating them all the time. With young children, it often takes multiple repetitions and a lot of practice for them to learn a new skill or learn a new way of thinking about something. This is to be expected. Their brains are very immature in many ways and they’re making new connections all the time.
Look for signs of growth
We repeat these same lessons all the time, and it can be frustrating. One way to help overcome this frustration has been to really pay attention to the small signs of growth. If you look back at how your child was a year ago, even six months ago, you’ll see signs of growth and learning. They often happen so gradually that it’s easy to miss.
I’ve started trying to notice this with my own kids.
Thoughtful parenting tip: Try noticing little things like your child remembered to do, like taking their plate to the sink after eating. Take note when you didn’t have to remind them to put their sports uniform in the wash after a game. Look for times when they were helpful to their sibling or friend without you asking them to do it.
All these things matter, but they move at the pace of child development, not at the pace of technology.
Development from the perspective of nature
One idea that really gives a new perspective is if you compare child development to other aspects of growth that we see in nature. When you look at it this way, it starts to become apparent how odd it is that we try to rush our children’s development so much. When it’s the dead of winter, you wouldn’t look at your tulip and say, “Why are you not blooming yet?” You wouldn’t wonder why the trees aren’t putting out leaves.
Much the same thing goes for our children—child development can’t be rushed.
Of course, that doesn’t mean that you can’t do things to support your child’s development. Of course, there are activities that naturally help move development along. For example, you can allow your baby freedom of movement on the floor so they can build the muscles they’ll one day need to sit up or walk. You can model for your children the social-emotional skills you’d want them to learn—demonstrating how to regulate emotions and stay calm or ask for a toy instead of grabbing it from another person.
But these lessons, especially the emotional ones, take years to develop. We’re in it for the long haul. I wrote up this series of slides for social media a while back, and I think they still ring true.
Thoughtful parenting tip: Try to appreciate your child where they are right now and not rush them to the next stage. It will happen. They’ll learn the lessons we’re teaching. They’ll grow and develop, it just may not be at the pace that we want.
Childhood isn’t a race to be won, it’s a process of growth to be marveled at and appreciated.
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