My older son (3rd grade) has a great social-emotional learning program at his school. Each morning, the class gathers and talks about how each student is feeling (e.g., the Zones of Regulation). Then they usually do a short lesson on some topic related to children’s’ emotional intelligence such as growth mindset, emotions, dealing with anger, getting along with friends, etc.
I thought to myself, “great! he seems like he really understands this.” While watching a movie later that night, he even said, “I feel so much empathy for that family” about a scene in which the family was in a dangerous predicament.
I explained that I understood that and we all do silly things like that from time to time. I just wanted him to be aware of it so he could see how he words might hurt other people’s feelings. I think he got it.
Why Emotional Intelligence Matters
If you would like to hear more fascinating talks like this, please join me at the FREE 2018 Positive Parenting Conference on May 1-10. Dr. Borba will be there along with TONS of other wonderful speakers. All free, all online! Sign up HERE.
Emotional Intelligence is a Learned Skill
Related reading: Gift Guide for Raising Kind Kids
How to Foster Emotional Intelligence
- Talk the talk. Our conversations with our kids really matter! Studies show that kids whose parents who discuss how other people might be feeling have better perspective-taking ability than those who don’t. Perspective-taking just means being able to put yourself in someone else’s shoes (the first step in empathy!). If your child sees another child being teased on the playground, ask how you think that makes that child feel. While watching a movie or reading a book, ask your child how the character might be feeling. Little discussions like this can really foster your kid’s emotional intelligence. This is why we love sets like Wonder Crate which offers wonderful books and activities specifically designed to promote social-emotional learning.
- Walk the walk. Conversations about emotions are helpful, but modeling empathy with your kids (and others) is the key to solidifying those brain connections that make empathy a life-long habit. It’s often challenging to show empathy to our kids when they’re behavior is…umm less-than-perfect, but it really does show them how empathy makes them feel. This, in turn, illustrates to them why empathy is important to show to others. In other words, modeling is key. Of course, you can also model EQ with others you interact with as well—spouse, family members, store clerks, etc. Young kids watch everything and absorb all these little interactions during the day.
- Emotional guidance. In the wonderful book, The Yes Brain, the authors point out that one of the best ways we can foster emotional intelligence is by guiding kids through their own emotions. Our tendency as parents is to solve or fix an issue that is causing our kids’ pain. For emotional issues, however, sometimes the best solution is to guide them through their pain or distress instead of immediately distracting them or trying to get them “back to happy” too quickly. If we allow our kids to feel sad or disappointed, over time, they learn to understand how others feel when they experience these emotions too. Sometimes, it is only through our own pain that we come to truly understand the pain of someone else. This is true for our kids as well.
Related reading: Top 3 Tips for Raising Kind Kids: Realistic Ideas for Parents
Even as algorithms dictate more of our daily life, its human interaction that still provides meaning to our lives.
Fostering children’s emotional intelligence will not only give them an advantage over the computers, it will make for a kinder, more meaningful world.
Wonder Crate. A subscription/activity box that promotes the development of emotional intelligence with categories like Confidence, Empathy and Mindfulness
Little Loving Hands–crafting fun that supports charities
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